May has always been one of my favorite months. It might be because of my birthday. It might be because of the promise of summertime and the sight of tiny green things sprouting out of the ground. Anyway, I LOVE May! And I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I know that by sheer force of will I cannot make force my body to be healthy and whole and well. But there are a lot of things that I know I can try to do for myself to help. Sometimes, though, I just get weary of the overwhelming nature of chronic pain. The long term can start to get me down and I don't always feel like overcoming today. I am often in search of answers. I am often in search of feeling better. I think about the Scripture in 2 Corinthians when Paul speaks of his infirmities, his thorn in the flesh, and how he sought the Lord thrice to take it from him.
I don't often get past the "feeling better" and "answers" parts in my thinking. But the other day, I did. I asked myself what I would want want to do or be if I wasn't stopped by the pains. And there is certainly a long list of a variety of individual things. But it boiled down to enjoying the life that God has so richly blessed me with more than I am now. And then I thought, "well, I could just do that now, even though it's harder than I want it to be." And so, I am giving myself the month of May to do so. May, in all of it's hope an play anyway. Many birthdays, Mother's Day, Kindergarten Graduation, Wedding Anniversary, Warmer Weather, Planting Seeds and Plants in rich soil, a brand new beach cruiser bicycle to help me feel like I am 7 years old again, the bittersweet memory of the baby that was lost almost 4 years ago, only 7 weeks developed in my womb. May. In this month of May, my pain of any kind is going to remind me. Remind me to get to my knees, to go wash my dishes, to play, to try a new recipe, to go outside, to do well, to be well.